School refusal and ‘school can’t’
Supporting your child when school feels impossible.
What is school refusal?
When a child refuses school, it can feel confusing, stressful and at times, overwhelming.
It can also bring up parental guilt, frustration and tension or fear about what comes next.
School refusal, sometimes called school avoidance or ‘school can’t’, is not about a child being lazy, manipulative or difficult. It's about distress.
School refusal happens when a child or teenager feels too anxious or overwhelmed to go to school or finds it hard to stay once they arrive.
Often, it comes from feeling disconnected – from friends, teachers, or the school environment – and can be a way of coping with strong emotions. Just like adults sometimes put off difficult tasks or avoid stressful situations, children step back when things feel too big to handle.
School can bring social, academic, and emotional pressures all at once. When these pressures build up, refusing school may be their way of managing stress, even if it looks like stubborn or challenging behaviour.
Understanding this can help parents move from asking, “How do I make them go?” to, “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
What avoidance around school might look like:
Here are some examples:
“Every morning is a struggle just to get them out the door.”
“They say they feel sick on school days but seem fine on weekends.”
“They won’t get out of the car when we arrive at school.”
“They beg to stay home or ask to leave early.”
“They shut down or get upset whenever school is mentioned.”
“Homework turns into a big argument or gets avoided completely.”
“They spend a lot of time in their room and don’t want to talk about school.”
Sometimes these behaviours are a child’s way of showing that something at school feels overwhelming, stressful or unsafe for them.
Early warning signs of school refusal
These are early signals that your child may be struggling more than they can show.
Responding early can prevent patterns becoming entrenched. Start with curiosity, involve the school and consider small adjustments before distress escalates.
School refusal often develops gradually. You might notice:
- Frequent headaches or stomach aches before school
- Big emotional reactions in the mornings
- Withdrawal or meltdowns after school
- Avoidance when talking about school
- Social anxiety or fear of specific events
- Increasing lateness, early pick-ups or partial absences
- Requests for frequent days off
- ‘Sunday scaries’ (stress and dread about school on Sunday)
- Difficulties making friends or conflict with friends
- Missing some classes, or times of day (but not others)
Causes of school refusal
School refusal is complicated as it often has lots of causes.
For many children it’s not just one thing but a mix of pressures building up over time. Challenges with friend groups, feeling overwhelmed by the school environment, struggling in specific classes, difficulties with teachers, family stress, or underlying mental health or neurodivergent needs can all contribute to school feeling too hard to face.
Friends
Children/teens who struggle with social and friend issues are more likely to find school a hard place to be. It could be that your child has no friends and feels isolated. Perhaps they’ve had significant conflict or a falling out with their friendship group. Or maybe they’re having some larger social issues, like bullying or social anxiety.
Classes
Sometimes school refusal can be linked to what’s happening in the classroom. If a child is struggling with certain subjects, getting poor grades or feeling overwhelmed by assignments and exams, school can quickly become a source of stress rather than enjoyment. When most of their classes feel hard, confusing or simply not interesting, it’s understandable that they may start avoiding school altogether.
Family
Family stress can sometimes affect a child’s ability to attend school. When things are difficult at home, children may feel more worried or clingy, especially if they struggle with separation or find it hard to be away from their family. Parents may also feel anxious when their child is not at home, and children often pick up on this. Together, these feelings can make it harder for a child to feel comfortable going to school.
School
Sometimes school refusal can be linked to the school environment itself. If your child feels overwhelmed or uncomfortable at school, this can make attending very stressful for them. For example, children may struggle with sensory overwhelm (too much noise, bright lights, etc.). Big changes such as starting high school or moving to a new school can also feel scary or unsettling and may lead to them wanting to avoid school.
Teachers
A child’s relationship with their teachers can have a big impact on school attendance. If your child feels their teachers don’t understand them or they see their teachers in a negative way, school can start to feel stressful. Parents may also feel that teachers are not giving enough support, which can add to a child’s reluctance to go. When these worries build up, school may no longer feel like a safe or supportive place, making it harder for a child to attend.
Other
Sometimes school refusal can be linked to a child’s mental health, neurodivergence or learning needs. If your child has, or may have, a mental health condition, is neurodivergent, or finds learning difficult, school can feel more challenging or overwhelming for them. These experiences can make attending school stressful, which may lead to avoidance or refusal.
What to do if your child says they ‘can’t go’ to school
At home
Start by letting your child know you have noticed they are struggling. Ask what school has been like for them and try to listen without jumping straight to solutions.
Some children can explain what feels wrong. Others may not have the words yet. These conversations may need to happen more than once. Staying calm and curious helps your child feel safe to keep talking.
Work on the problem together
Once you understand a bit more, let your child know you are on their side. You might say, “I can see this is really hard right now. Let’s figure this out together."
Ask questions like:
- What feels hardest about school right now?
- What might make it feel a little easier?
- What feels possible tomorrow?
Small changes can help your child feel more in control.
Create supportive routines
Predictable routines can help reduce stress around school.
This might include:
- calm, consistent mornings
- time to decompress after school
- steady bedtime routines
- limiting pressure and big conversations late at night
Keeping things steady at home can make school feel more manageable.
Working with the school
Talk with the school early.
Reach out to your child’s teacher, wellbeing staff or school leadership if your child is struggling. Schools can often help when they understand what is happening. Approach the conversation as a partnership. The goal is to support your child’s wellbeing as well as their learning.
Make a plan together
If school has become difficult, a gradual return plan can help.
This might include:
- starting with shorter days or specific classes
- a trusted staff member your child can go to
- access to a quiet space if they feel overwhelmed
- adjusted workload or flexible learning options
- regular check-ins between home and school
Plans work best when they are flexible and reviewed regularly.
Seek other/additional support
Seek professional support if needed - if your child is missing a lot of school or seems very distressed, extra support can help. A GP can guide you towards psychologists, paediatricians or other services.
If you think learning differences or neurodivergence may be part of the picture, an assessment may help clarify what support your child needs.
Support can help parents too. Supporting a distressed child can be exhausting.
Parentline offers a range of ways to get support and develop practical strategies, including phone counselling, webchat counselling, and our peer support program, My Circle for Parents. Talking with a counsellor or connecting with other parents can help you feel heard, explore options, and plan steps that work for your child and your family.
The most common questions other parents ask about school refusal
Should we consider alternative education options?
Sometimes a different learning environment is the best fit. Options include changing schools, online learning, homeschooling, flexible learning centres, or vocational pathways. Exploring alternatives can be empowering if traditional school isn’t a good fit.
Parentline is here for you.
Sometimes you just need to talk to someone. Sometimes you need guidance.
